Manic Episodes from Then & Now by CØL

anhedonia to an eclipsing numbness
what was once a lack of pleasure
became lackluster in anything at all
the pharmacy has a grip on my livelihood
as i'm persuaded by the soothing voice of psychiatry

doctor;
i want to feel alive again
is there a capsule for emotions?
something that will spring me back to life?

doctor, doctor;
let me live freely
as manic as i desire
at least then i could breathe

there's no voice anymore
just empty noises
that spill from my throat
and pour out my mouth

i'm not pure
i haven't been in a long time
i used to talk in millimeters, and milligrams
now i speak in a dialect not even i understand

i want the room to think
without all the fog
i want space to live
but sadly i'm not

when i was 5 i learned to tie my shoes
15 years later i learned to tie a noose

4 more years passed by and my hands are tied tight
and my ankles are chained to the floor
i don't want to be like this anymore

death isn't an escape
but the allure is so captivating

so many wasted notes
so many lost words
so many distant goodbyes
so much smoke and so little butterflies

i want to be free
from these chains on my feet
but they're locked to ankles
and no one has the key

i want to move forward
i want just a chance
but i'm glued to the thought of
"will i succeed?" and "i don't know if i can"

i'm crying out to you
these pills rip the joy from me
the way the voices ripped me apart
there's no middle ground to be made

there's no hope to seek

i'm endlessly depressed and
i'm fucking obsessed with
the voice of a final goodbye
the voice that leads me to the end of my life

• Electronic
• Experimental
• depressive
• depressive electronic
• experimental electronic
• genre-bending
• Massachusetts