Drugs // Alchol from Then & Now by CØL

I wish they'd believe me.

-- Who?

My friends and family. They don't listen to me when I ask for my help.

-- But what don't they believe?

I'm going to die Saturday. Well, I'm going to wake up.

-- Wake up? What do you mean?

I'm going to wake up and this will all be a dream. Everything I know will be a distant memory. Jeremiah told me.

-- The prophet you mentioned, right?

Yeah. Him. He said I'd wake up from this coma -- deep sleep -- Whatever it is, he said this is all my unconscious, subconcious mind keeping me busy while in the state that I'm in. I'm going to wake up and everything I've known the last 19 years will just be gone. I don't know if I'll remember it, or... I don't know. And I'm scared.

-- When did he tell you this? It sounds to me like you might be having some delusions or paranoia.

No, it's what he told me. He's a prophet. He told old me I'll wake up and everything will be gone. Everything I know and love.

-- Have you been taking your medications as prescribed?

See, you're doing it too! I'm not fucking crazy, I know what he said, he said I'd--

-- Touch your face for me.

(Silence. A gentle trembling hand rubs onto my nose bridge and cheeks)

-- What does it feel like?

Wet. Cold, but somehow hot. I'm scared.

-- Who is touching your face, right now?

I don't know.

(Silence.)

I don't know what is going on.

(Silence.)

I don't know what to do. My girlfriend is going to break up with me. My friends won't let me say goodbye.

(A long silence.)

I don't know what to fucking do. I'm terrified, I want to stay. Or at the very least, say goodbye.

-- You will stay. What do you have right now? What's your favorite memory?

My sister being born. And playing with her.

-- Do you love her?

Of course.

-- If you, "wake up," where do you think that love will go?

(Silence.)

It'll be lost. I don't know if I'll remember her when I wake up or if she'll fade away. Both of it scares me.

-- You've learned to love the life you have, is that correct?

(A long silence.)

I don't know. Its all I know. I don't know anything else.

-- Is Jeremiah here right now?

No, but someone is talking to me. She says the days ahead will be lonely.

(Pause.)

They already are.

-- Because it feels like nobody is listening?

Yes.

-- Josh, I am listening and I understand what you are saying. I don't know what you are experiencing, but I see it. I need you to tell me, are you taking your medications?

No. They make me feel numb.

-- A lot of medications do that. But it's either be numb, or become a danger to yourself, and this feeling of constant fear. What is it that you want?

I want to be alive. I want to feel alive. I want to stay here.

(Pause.)

I want a chance.

-- You're being given a chance. You need to take your medications.

(Silence.)

-- Are you going to take your medications?

I'll try.

• Electronic
• Experimental
• depressive
• depressive electronic
• experimental electronic
• genre-bending
• Massachusetts