Abortionist by Abortionist

My life, in some sense, is entirely about tying off loose threads. Threads that I cut myself; responsibilities I generate from nothing and then agonize over perpetually until they’re finally complete, whatever “complete” might mean- generally something only I can fully understand. I hate unfinished business. I have a complete inability to allow things to trail off into nothingness before I have seen them through. It can take a long time- a very long time- but they get done. This is the story of one such loose thread, one of the oldest I still had in my company, one that I needed to finish for my own peace of mind. It is done and I am no happier. But it’s done.

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In 2009, a friend and I recorded a record for a project I devised called Abortionist. Then we never released it. And now it’s 16 years later and it’s out. It is the first thing I recorded that I am still relatively proud of; it was also the first of many musical collaborations with my friend, who I am still very close to so many years later. We’ve been in probably a dozen bands or projects together in the intervening period, but it starts here.

The initial concept had to do with certain musical fascinations of mine that were preeminent then and still important to me now: drum machines as instruments of their own rather than mere replacements for drummers, the early work of Godflesh, depressive black metal, and ugly doom/death and funeral doom. The result was something kind of like all those things but also radically different: trudging lower midpaced doom/death with a pronounced industrial edge and riffs that alternated between slow Mortician chug and lead-driven, malignantly downcast tremolo. Samples were heavily incorporated and, to my mind, essential to the character of the record. My music has never been intentionally conceptual in nature, but I often understand my records as such after I finish them. Abortionist, in this case, is a narrative of misery and self-destruction and a kind of dark resurrection through violence and contempt. It is not a redemptive story; it is about turning one’s face away from the world.

Unsurprisingly, my first bad breakup with a girl (of many) was one of the primary motivations behind it. This is not to say, though, that it ended up being about a failed relationship, or that the significance of the record is in some sort of therapeutic benefit. Rather, that collapsed relationship was merely one of many instances of dissolving bonds with others in my life at the time- rapidly disintegrating connections with family and friends leaving me unmoored and uncertain as to my future. Things were bad- I believe my friend was in a similar situation at the time- but instead of doing something life-affirming, I wanted to lean into the negativity. I remember telling him that I wanted to make a record that made the world a slightly worse place for its existence. Pretentious, sure- I think if you’re not pretentious at 19 you’re not trying hard enough- but pretense alone does not, in my mind, invalidate the emotional core of the work. It was necessary for my survival at the time.

Ironically, despite my best efforts to the contrary, the process of crushing depression followed by deepening calcification and cynicism is one that has repeated several times throughout my life. When we recorded this record back in 2009, both of us barely into adulthood, I think we imagined that we were in a terrible period that would inevitably become better over time. It did not. We are here, sixteen years later, older, more worn, more bitter, with innumerable disappointments and failures behind us. But perhaps now, if anything, we understand navigating them better. Whether this is a matter of wisdom or nihilism is up to you to decide.

Listen and enjoy.